How to survive a zombie apocalypse?

This planet is known for having its fair share when talking about diseases or virus (some of them are known for having their origins in a lab, in other words they are artificial, and we already know creates them, right?). It would be a massive mistake to rule out a virus that can drive you crazy (and yes I’m talking about the ones that can turn you into a zombie), and since politicians and the media around the world would be either full incompetents or outright stupid. So in this article we will be talking about delusional tips for surviving a zombie apocalypse that readers may find delusional (and no, this in no way will involve the scenario “if politicians were somewhat competent and had an anticipating plan of protecting people in case there is an outbreak in somewhere in the world, as I’m lazy as fu** and I will leave it for the next article where I will talk about the topic in more detail. And noooo, it’s not because it will take a lot of effort (sarcasm detected)).

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In a world filled with interests, conflicts, manipulation of information, divisions, rhetoric of “money is power”, nuclear war, corruption, drugs, weapons and (you know where I’m getting at), a zombie apocalypse would simply make a scenario in which “the stronger one always survive”  mentality will be more prevalent(Not that it isn’t prevalent in today’s society but still). So a civilian should always have an ace in the hole in case all the other plans fail while he is calm and analysing the situation.

Delusional tip number 1.

When a zombie outbreak happens everyone will run away from the affected zone, and guess what, people will think in the same destinations to escape the danger (isn’t that awesome, it seems that we are connected by fear). The thing here would be staying tuned to the news whether from TV or the internet, and starting analysing where you could go to. For example, a zombie outbreak occurs in the UK, concretely in London (yeah I know, almost everything is supposed to start in good ol’ London and you must be tired of that, but hey at least it’s not staring in good “gringolandia”) and everyone wants to escape to the outbreak, and of course people might want to get away from the region, this considering that they will let them in those counties and countries (we all know that this might not happen in reality for the last one, they will not risk their countries, besides they will still be pissed at Brexit). Having said that, the thing to do is to find another escaping way that no-one else thought or that is quite difficult to reach, for example, everyone is trying to reach north and roads will be overcrowded, so the best idea would be heading to the countryside or the mountains and staying there until there is danger.

Delusional tip number 2.

Don’t use public transports or transports in general (unless you actually own a car). Seriously, it has been seen countless of times in films, that there is a zombie hiding in some corner of the bus. The best strategy to avoid those painless bastards would be to run away as soon as you can while using a quick, safe route.

Delusional tip number 3

Weapons. Seriously, you will need to defend yourself when you are in a difficult situation. And no! Using the “oh no, they are victims, we shouldn’t attack them we should help them, shame on everyone that kills them” PC mentality will not work since you are trying to survive. If you live near an army base, you can go there and pick something to defend yourself. Pick something that suits you good. My advice would be using something easy to carry and that is effective. A lighter would be also a good item to carry with alcohol or an aerosol spray. Just to do things like this:

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OK?, just “try” would suit better for real life. On the other hand you have to admit that it looks pretty badass. Another advice is that if you are carrying an firearm don’t  go berserk and start shoot everything in your way ( zombies) just because you feel empowered and you may think this is Call of Duty and you won’t die. I repeat: THIS IS NOT fu**ing Call of Duty!!! It’s real life!!! so if you do that you might put you and your fwends in danger.(dear reader, if you notice the authors’ pathetic attempt of making a south park reference I hope you could excuse him.)

Delusional tip number 4.

Food is a important, right? Well then. In a apocalyptic scenario it’s going to be war between people to get food and you my dear reader might have to fight for aliments just like you do when you’re fighting in Black Friday  for something you want, another way of getting food could be racionating food predicting that there will be a catastrophe of this scale. Now the kind of food you might want to take with you would be canned food, chocolate bars, bubble-gum, water and some other stuff of your choice, but don’t carry too much food with you since you might have difficulties carrying it. When the food finishes you have to get more. Simple as that, although it might be very risky and you have to be careful.

 

 

Delusional tip number 5.

Setting up traps is important. And they will be very important if you are in the city. You could use the classical traps of making a hole and cover it with something or you could also try and set creative fire traps to kill zombies. There are many things you could use, from arrows to gas or electricity. If you don’t have experience doing this kind of stuff, well, it’s just question of practice. Besides, humans can learn many things in these abhorrent situations… well, most of them.

Delusional tip number 6.

Not trusting media. OK fine, this kinda contradicts the point where i say that we should stay tuned to news and you as a reader might saying “oh you’re a goddamn hypocrite by giving advises on duh internet making you feeling morally superior and then flipflopin’ on what you say”. Fine you may have a point except in the moral part. but, hey, at least I’m not an orange buffoon who keeps constantly flipflopping all the time.

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BTW, this is the true definition of hypocrisy

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Thing is, governments may not want people to find out that there is a zombie outbreak, so they may actually want media outlets giving false information. even though, there might be  a few outlets that start doing true journalism.

Delusional tip number 7.

Don’t you. ever, EVER try to do a moment of those Hollywood films where some characters decide to sacrifice themselves.

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This. Is. Not. A film. So in a situation of this caliber you either run away or keep thinking on a plan. Oooh, and I didn’t even got started on the part where people may sympathize with the zombies, and in some instances is understandable. But come on, you’re in a situation where you want to survive, you need iron nerves. If not, you’re gonna get “yamcha’d”.

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And don’t you dare come at me with the argument of “oh you’re senseless ba****rd that cares only for himself, uh, go drink bleach, uh”, because i’m watching you.

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Delusional tip number 8

Teamwork. Ah, good ol’ teamwork. That thing that is taught at school in which you have to collaborate with other students in order to finish a designed task. (well, now you can guess what the author was like. If you guessed that the author used that beautiful concept called teamwork, well you are wrong. The author of this article threw away that concept to a trash can, and started using the “f*ck it I’m gonna reach the top myself without help” mentality. Yeah, you’re guessing what kind of guy the author is.

Yep, that’s him, the kind of guy who would fail a team-work assignment just because he did it by himself.

The kind of guy who would most likely die in that scenario.Except when goes on a rampage to kill all zombies. The correct thing to do is to be in a group, if you don’t you gonna die.

Delusional tip number 10.

Don’t stay always in the same place. I mean seriously this one is common sense. If there is a zombie apocalypse you have to be in the move, if not, you’re gonna be in a difficult spot.

Delusional tip number 11.

Never let you guard down. you my dear reader may be asking yourself “why the fu** is this dumb-ass giving good survival tips, when he clearly promised delusional ones? Do I need to start hating on this guy, just so he can deliver what he promised?” Well, for your information this is my blog, and as such I do whatever I want, and as I posted before:

make flip-flops great again!!!!!

Delusional tip number 12

Don’t make a lot of noise near the zombies. Making noise while hiding from them is a no-no.

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Oh, and just wait ’till i mention the part where zombies can find you if you light a fire.

Delusional tip number 13.

Don’t trust anyone. I mean, come on, that’s just common sense, AGAIN (and I’m the guy who’s supposed to be giving tips filled with an abnormal percentage of sheer stupidity, come on). Even, I know that, and most of the times I have delusional ideas, even though I’m serious, but still. If you don’t want people backstabbing or betraying you, don’t trust others in a event like that. It was proved in countless series apart from being common sense.

That’s all for the delusional ideas on how to survive a zombie apocalypse.

I hope you forgive the author for not posting that much since he has ran out of ideas.

Even though he’s just using that as an excuse.

Hope you enjoy the article.

 

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